Biology Bites

Nope. This ain’t no biology lesson. (Let me remind/inform you that I got a double ‘F’ on my science ‘Award’ leaving high school). I am referring to the absurd and resolute notion of the ‘Biological Clock’.
29-year old women all over the world are as we speak, falling over themselves to get pregnant before the big 3-0. 30 is like the holiest of holy expiry dates is seems, before your eggs start drying up and you are forced to desperately marry an accountant with halitosis and a comb-over.
What’s the big deal with 30 anyway? If I am to subscribe to that notion, then I only have 5 years left before the inner demon in me turns into a red-eyed, bunny boiling, ovary-aching, fiend just dying to get her paws on some (any) seed. I have an awful lot to accomplish (house, job, car, start to pay off loans, maybe actually finish paying off loans) in just five years before I am apparently destined to a life of nappies, colic and part-time jobs.
30 is the ‘new’ 20. Not so many moons ago, if you weren’t up the duff by the time you were twenty, you were a spinster, a widow, a witch or a queer. We are the ‘have it all’ generation. We want everything our parents worked 25 years to achieve; NOW. We demand the house, the holidays, the wardrobe, the car(s). These are ticked off on our little list of lifestyle choices (or ‘necessities’ as we call them).
What with the wealth of education opportunities open to us and the tendency for us to become ‘boomerang kids’ (moving back home with our parents in our twenties to ‘save money’), women are delaying their domestic ‘fates’ in order to get the things our mothers could only dream of at our age. Despite all this, 30 is still the modern magic number for most women.

Now I am fast approaching the magic number, I am feeling the gentle but not so subtle prodding of the procreation bandwagon parade back home (my family). ‘Oh, did you know (so-and-so) had her baby….so did (X, Y, Z) and (blah blah) is getting married next summer as well…’ Long pause. ‘Aren’t you clucky…Don’t you get broody…When do you think you’ll….y’know…?’ are the kinds of questions I am asked these days.
Only last week I was asked one of those questions. I said I thought kids were cute, but then I saw some strange kid on the train from Hamada to Izumo who kept rolling his eyes and slapping himself in the face. I hear and read horror stories about kids with Leukemia, Multiple Sclerosis, ADD, ODD, ADHD, Dyspraxia and other hair-raisingly frightening disorders and diseases and I just think ‘Naaaaaaaaah’. On the Red Dragon FM the other day (I listen to it on the Internet) it said that the average child will cost somewhere in the region of £150,000 (nearly $300,000) by the time they are 18. That’s the cost of a brand new apartment in Cardiff Bay! I could probably buy a holiday home somewhere really nice with that and have enough money left over for a couple of pairs of shoes! Not that I’m comparing the joy of procreation with a new pair of heels, but….well, its food for thought….

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Tom Cruise is a Tool

What is it with Tom Cruise? What is he on? I’m sure I’m not the only one who just cringes with embarrassment every time I see him or hear him speak. I have compiled a list of reasons to hate him.

1.)He divorced Nicole Kidman. Hello – why?! Because he didn’t want anyone stealing his precious limelight and overshadowing him. Which she frequently did…even when she wasn’t wearing heels.

2.) Media Whore. As Catherine Zeta-Jones came to realise, you can’t have your cake and eat it (excuse the pun). You can’t relentlessly seek fame and then throw a fit when you are photographed eating a piece of fucking cake or walking down the street. In Cruise’s case, you can’t blame the media for character-assassinating him when he has consistently done everything in his power to make himself an easy target. For example…


3.) The Tom and Katy Show. I find it disturbing and vomit-inducing that he has made their relationship such a shameless publicity stunt. This is the kind of behaviour you expect from a lower-echelon D-List celebrity with no other way of gaining attention (Like Jordan and Peter Andre). 20 years of stardom and some 20-odd year-old flange have obviously gone to his head. I’ve never had the pleasure of seeing his unbelievable sofa-leaping performance on the Oprah show, but I can understand its immediate impact on the dirt-hungry paparazzi. Back in the valleys, such idiotic behaviour would earn you a good old-fashioned smack in the chops.

4.) Superiority complex. Tom’s scientology beliefs have unfortunately lead him to believe that he knows more about Psychiatry than the last 200 years worth of pioneering Psychiatric practitioners put together. Apparently, mental illnesses can be treated with Vitamins! Bloody hell, I’d better tell my mother to pass on the message to the thousands of clients at her organisation; that their hallucinations and debilitating mental illnesses can be easily cured with a quick trip to Boots the chemist and a £1.50 packet of chewy orange Vitamin C sweets!

After criticising Brooke Sheilds’ use of medication to relieve her post-natal depression, Tom Cruise told his interviewer ‘You don’t know the history of Psychiatry….I do’. I would like to suggest than Tom Cruise should spend the afternoon at East Glamorgan Psychiatric ward in S.Wales, where my 19-year old cousin has spent considerable amounts of time suffering with Bi-polar manic depression combined with Aspergers Syndrome. Then he can tell the nursing staff there that they should not medicate their patients and stick around for a few hours and see what happens. The man is an idiot.

5.) He is so bloody FALSE. Is there not something just, creepily false about him? Growing up in Wales, and probably in the rest of the U.K too, we are somewhat suspicious and critical of Americans with big huge smiles, who drown you with praise and want to hug you as soon as they clap eyes on you. What underlying motivation is there? What do they really think? Are they being sarcastic, by pretending to like me? Surely no one is that happy? Why all the endless whoring of himself to the crowd at premieres? Is he hoping to recruit scientology disciples or something? Tom Cruise is the epitome of a shallow, mind-bendingly false, ‘lost in showbiz’ American. He has such a high opinion of himself that he failed to see the funny side when an interviewer from a British TV show squirted him in the face with a water pistol at a London premiere. Oh c’mon Tom lighten up! If it was me I would have punched you in the face!


Funnily enough, I have no venom for Katie Holmes. I see her as a victim who got sucked into Tom’s beam. She is blinded by the fame and she’s probably tripping over the fact that she actually bagged Tom Cruise – the guy we all drooled over in ‘Top Gun’ in the 80’s. She’s certainly come a long way since ‘Dawson’s Creek’. As for Tom, there aren’t enough words to convey my loathing and despise of him except to say that he is one strange, twisted and deluded little man.

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