ASS(et) Management during the Japanese Winter

There are a number of reasons why my health has taken a back seat and why unfortunately my ass is growing at a rather alarming speed…

The Japanese stubbornly refuse to actually ‘get with the programme’ like the rest of the world and HEAT and INSULATE their homes. Their ideas of energy conservation are to NOT have central heating in their freezing buildings, instead they prefer to choke and poison themselves by using KEROSONE STOVES! Ha! Yes, I kid you not…and In order to avoid carbon monoxide poisoning, they OPEN THE WINDOW in order for the fumes to escape…so when it is minus 5 degrees outside, they…OPEN THE WINDOW…!?!

So OK, we can learn to live with that, perhaps…BUT they refuse to have double glazing and thick walls and insulation, instead preferring to use paper, wood and hardboard to build houses. If they at least insulated, they could save energy, but no… Some schools and offices HAVE Air conditioning units that also double as heating systems, however they have to ASK THEIR SUPERIORS and have consultations and meetings about if it’s cold/hot enough to warrant ‘wasting energy’ by putting on the Air-Con/Heater.

Many people bring fleece blankets to work to place over their legs or have these sticky strips called ‘Kairo’ which you can stick to your back, your legs or your feet and your body causes a chemical reaction in the Kairo, which self-heats and warms that part of your body. When one day in work, I was visibly SHAKING and faltering when I was speaking due to the cold, I was given a Kairo by my teacher. She told me to stick it in my lower back, above my liver. ‘If your liver is warm, your body will be warm’, she said. She was right, it worked but I thought to myself ‘In a country where they have the most advanced technology in the world, why are people forced to use Kairo sticky strips to keep warm?’

So anyway, most Japanese homes have this thing called a Kotatsu. It’s a table with a removable top, where a blanket is placed underneath and a heater underneath creates a cosy ‘cocoon’ for you to out you legs and chest if you wish.

Japanese people refuse to ‘conform to Western tastes’ and get comfortable, cosy furniture. Instead, they use a cushion or a mat to sit on a hardwood floor. There is relatively little ‘lounging’ in Japanese homes, probably because most people work obscene hours and get very little free time to actually enjoy for themselves (heaven forbid they should bring shame on themselves by leaving work when they are supposed to or perhaps take their allotted time off!). I tend to use a ‘legless chair’ to place under the Kotatsu and enjoy the zen-like experience of being back in the womb!

HOWEVER the problem for most people is that once you’re under the Kotatsu, it’s very difficult to summon the motivation and energy to get back out. In the past, I’ve actually held in my pee and thought ‘Screw the weekly shop, it’s too cold to go out…’ I’m sure people must have dehydrated to death under the Kotatsu. There are urban legends of people burning their pubes under their Kotastu and Kotatsu’s also come with a manufacturer’s health and safety warning ‘Do NOT sleep under the Kotatsu!’

However, during his first year, Benji DID indeed burn himself ‘in a private area’ due to the Kotatsu being turned up too high. The area blistered and the doctor said it was similar to third degree burns. This very long winded point is anyway supposed to inform you that the reason why my ass is growing at an accelerated speed is because it is too goddamn cold to get my ass out of the Kotatsu and go exercise outside. I hate going outside anyway, to do so in the cruel Japanese winter is extra salt in the wound.

Another reason for my slug-like state of late is that my school is close to my apartment, as it was in Hirata BUT when I do my school visits, I no longer have to walk/cycle a total of 60 mins to get to my school and back, instead take a bus from right outside my house then get off right in front of my visiting school. The exercise sessions I was forced to take to get to my old visiting schools was plenty to keep me from growing love handles, but sadly those days are gone. When I go shopping, I no longer cycle 30 mins to go to the superstore, instead hop in the Suzuki and nip over to ‘Trial (Japanese Walmart, but crapper). Of course, my dance classes stopped when my dance buddies selfishly left Japan to go back to Amsterdam and Hawaii.

When it comes to exercise, I am a social butterfly; I prefer to communicate with people as I am doing it…a pleasant distraction from the task at hand, if you will. Also, I think the associated guilt of missing out on a group visit to ‘body toning class’ or Yoga is a positive thing. It stops you giving up quite so soon. But really, who is there to stop me from NOT exercising, now? Benji is allergic to physical activity-induced sweating. He really is more of an Arts and Crafts person than a Gym person, and as a consequence I believe the last time he wore a pair of trainers was in 1986.

Lastly, the internet had been both a pleasure and a pain. A pleasure in that I have not paid for a movie or a CD since possibly the end of 2005 and I am able to download and watch TV shows and movies in the ‘comfort’ of my Japanese apartment. A pain in that really, it has made me shrink into myself and cut myself off. The combination of the Kotatsu and the Internet has been the lethal nail in my social coffin. Quite often Benji and I will be on separate computers watching separate shows. It really is the height of geekiness. Whatever is the world coming to? Is this the future of family life? When we catch ourselves being anti-social, we always laugh, but it’s a scary thought.

With Benji away this holiday, I had many days where I would literally spend up to 9 hours staring in a somewhat demonic, foam-mouthed manner at the computer screen. Sometimes I wouldn’t even bother getting changed or showered. Instead lie there greasy-haired having my soul sucked out of me whilst I devoured Season 10 of friends, Season 11 of Frasier, the 3rd Season of Six Feet Under, the Fifth Series of Scrubs and numerous other shows and movies. This was also prime opportunity to use this time to watch things that Benji doesn’t find totally repulsive and vomit-inducing….like Desperate Housewives and the latest BBC Drama Literature Adaptation like ‘Bleak House’ or ‘Jane Eyre’. This was my winter vacation, I am ashamed to admit.

I noticed well before Christmas and the New Year vacation arrived that my back was starting to twinge and spasm sometimes when I bent my back. Over the vacation this was (I’m sure) made worse by my Kotatsu and Internet retreat. The pain intensified daily. I even tried venturing outside for an hour-long walk to try and rejuvenate my back muscles. I was surprised at one stage that even over my I-pod I heard my back/pelvis make a rather alarming cracking sound, however the pain refused to die. I found myself suddenly letting out a random shriek or a small scream when my back twanged in public places and I was beginning to walk like Quasimodo. I didn’t fancy being institutionalized over the festive break, so after some recommendations, my friend Nori as translator, I went hopefully to a Chinese Acupuncturist.

It was all rather bizarre. I was first ‘punched’ gently all over in a shiatsu-style type of way then the guy told Nori to tell me that he was gonna stick in the needles. To be honest, I just wanted a Shiatsu massage but the guy wanted to do the needle thing. Most of them I didn’t feel, but occasionally it felt like they stuck them in too deep onto my muscle and I let out a panicky shriek, much to the delight/amusement of the Acupuncturist. Do they live for these reactions, maybe? Sickos. All in all I had 16 needles in my lower back. They attach these vibrating electrode things to the needles and hook them up to this electric-looking device and put a hot heater over you. I felt like a mouse in an experiment.

It was kind of weird and it made me feel a bit sick. The guy kept telling me ‘Kimuchi, Yo’ (Feels good) and I was thinking ‘Erm….no…actually! If you just stuck to the punching thing, that would have been fine!’. I definitely felt suppler for the first five minutes, until it came to putting on my shoes, during which my back twanged again. So basically I was \4,000 (or £20) skinter but no nearer to walking upright confidently. I will try the acupuncture again, but if that fails I’m going go to the doctor and see what he can do. Also, I am going to try and look for a pure Shiatsu masseuse. It’s about time, I’ve wanted one since I got here.

Oh yeah, I thought I’d also mention the fact that I ran over a small child on my bicycle the other day at the local ‘Izumi’ supermarket. I was biking away, listening to my I-pod and this kid ran out from behind a car. My breaks are crap anyway and besides, I had no real time to stop. I rode straight into him and knocked him arse over tit. He was only about three. I know that had that been back home; a knife-wielding parent would have emerged telling me that they would wring my neck and/or phone social services and perhaps a solicitor. Here however, the guy came out and apologized to ME for running over his son and knocking him to the floor, possibly traumatizing him for life. I felt terrible, but there was no coddling and the kid must have been a hard-arse because although he looked stunned, he just hopped back up and went into the supermarket. Gotta love Japanese kids.

I’ll keep you posted as to my Quasimodo back situation…