Big Brother is watching...

I didn’t think it could happen, since I haven’t watched this programme properly in a good few years (I lost interest a bit when the boring Scottish fart of a virgin priest won a few years back), but I am now re-addicted and re-united with Big Brother!

It all started when Nathan, a fellow Welshie (and Cardiffian to boot) lent me a humungous pile of BB DVD’s which Koren had taken from the net…26 episodes of BB 7 later I’m a sad BB Junkie! This year the programme makers have out-done themselves. The BB house theme is ‘Inside out’, meaning the chandaliers, pictures, sofas are outside and there is grass in the kitchen. There are glass walls and smaller spaces ensuring absolutely NO privacy and maximum claustrobhobia for the housemates.
Last year two of the contestants got a bit frisky in the pool and Makosi (the girl) had to ask Big Brother for the morning-after pill. Just to ensure that we don’t miss anything – anything at all this year, the BB team have installed an underwater camera in the pool. I mean, really! Also, BB teamed up with ‘Kit Kat’ and hid a number of ‘Golden Tickets’ in the chocolate bars, then the holders of the tickets (some of whom paid between 600 and 6,000 pounds for them) got to be randomly selected by a housemate lottery draw to enter the house…it was fantastic!

We’ve had some brilliant housemates this year; with I think what is officially the bitchiest line-up since Crufts. First there was dear Shabaz (the self-titled ‘Paki Puf’), a possessive, demanding, childish, egotist insomniac Scottish queen who left after nearly breaking down and becoming ostracized from the group. Skanky stinky Dawn and her BO who was thrown out for cheating, upper-crust George our little Aristocracy rep who left after two weeks because he didn’t want to be famous (of course you don’t, that’s why you go one of the UK’s most watched and scrutinized shows). Sezer the sleazy gezer – the UK’s youngest ever stockbroker, Imogen – former Miss Wales beauty queen. Cute Glyn the dopey North-Walian who before coming in the BB house, had never washed/ironed his own clothes, opened an oven or boiled an egg, the (now evicted) SUPER two-faced Sloane-ranger rich bitch Grace, Nikki the drama queen whose only dream in life is ‘To marry a premiership footballer, go for lunch and have my nails done…I mean is that too much to ask?’ and also ‘Oh god I HATE being middle class…I really, really just feel I deserve to be richer…’ (poor dab), Lea the girl with the biggest breasts in the UK and an ‘adult film’ entertainer, and my favourite to win – Pete the Tourettes sufferer who randomly shouts out ‘Wankers!’, ‘Wank!’, ‘Wow!’ and ‘Miaw!’. Pete has won everyone over with his nervous energy, heart of gold and his big schlong, which we all saw in when he flashed it in the pool. Pete to win! Go Pete!

Now, my mother argues that BB is done and that it should call it a day, and before I came to Japan I agreed. BB is after all in its seventh year and producers are having to come up with ever more radical and provocative ideas to keep the show fresh, but I really think this year’s BB has kicked Ass! The line-up has been great this year, just pure bitch-fest entertainment!

I encourage you to either tune in to Channel 4 (if you’re in the UK) or get onto Bit Torrent and download the latest Big Brother torrent from there (which is what I do). If you are even more desperate for more BB (it is addictive), you can watch live streams on the net and also watch/download Big Brothers Little Brother (a show on E4 discussing the latest BB news with celebs and other guests…check out Dermot the host, he’s a bit of a babe.) OR Big Brother’s Big Brain (haven’t seen it but I think it discusses the Psychology of the housemates). Ben argues that this is over-kill but I disagree! It’s wicked! (And you don’t have to watch the daily shows and the extras if you don’t want).

By the way, the new ‘Golden Housemate’ Susie who was chosen randomly from the other Golden Ticket holders is a boring old fart with fake boobs. BORING! Get out, bitch!

Pete to Win! (Or Glyn, because he’s a nice innocent ‘*Gog’ from Blaenau Ffestiniog)

* ‘Gog’ is Welsh word South Walians use to describe people from North Wales. It literally translates as ‘Northern (er)’ but depending on the way you say it, it can be offensive. Gogs call us (South Walians) ‘Hwntws’ which apparently means ‘rapists’. Bastards.