The Curse of the Yakult Woman

I would like to draw your attention to something gross and despicable that is happening right here in my school and schools all across Japan.

You know Yakult, right? In Japan they are freakishly obsessive about health (that’s why they live 'till they’re 190 years old). Lots of people drink those yukky yogurt drinks in the morning. You know the ones, the sour, lumpy ones. Spookily, they have this woman come every day who is supposedly some kind of health consultant/Yakult PR lady. She drives a custom-made Yakult van and carries a suspicious looking ‘Yakult’ bag. I’ve been observing her closely and I have decided that she is actually a drug user and dealer. Her ‘Yakult’ façade does not fool me for a minute.
I have evidence to support my suspicion. I grew up in an area where there were plenty of Junkies and pushers to observe (Tonyrefail in Rhondda-Cynon-Taf, S.Wales). The Yakult woman displays ‘manic’ symptoms. Extreme cheerfulness, darting eyes and a demonic fixed grin. I have never seen one of her ‘lows’. I can only surmise that she snorts/injects/consumes her stash before she gets to school. She’s always leaving school just as I’m arriving, so she must do her ‘rounds’ before I arrive.

It’s a shame that drugs are everywhere, even in rural Japan. Drug users and dealers have many faces. That innocent 97-year old grandma working in the rice-field may be an evil drug dealer. Have you looked closely…really closely at those ‘rice crops’ she’s so precious about?

Let’s all be drug aware. We can overcome junkie scum together if we try.

We’ve just got to believe in ourselves...